


I Can't Believe I Wrote This

by Pineprin137



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - No Monsters, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bonding, Brotherly Love, Castiel is a Good Boyfriend, Domestic Fluff, Eileen isn't deaf, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Issues, Firefighter Castiel (Supernatural), Gay Sex, Heavy Angst, Helpful Sam, M/M, Panic Attacks, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:27:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21793039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineprin137/pseuds/Pineprin137
Summary: Cas almost died and now Dean's new perspective is causing a hiccup in their plans for a family.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 22
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know what y'all are thinking. "Destiel? Is this really a Destiel fic?!" Yes, it is. I don't know where it came from or what caused the misfire in my brain but here it is. 
> 
> No sickfic. No Wincest. No nastiness. 
> 
> Just Cas and Dean.

“But you love kids!” 

Dean sighed and turned back around to face his boyfriend, “I never said--” 

Cas interrupted him, “What about your nieces and nephews? You love having them over!” 

Dean tried again. “Cas, that’s not what I- “ 

Cas continued pacing the living room, wild gestures conveying his frustration. “Last month you were trying to convince me to go down to the adoption agency to fill out the paperwork and now you’re telling me you don’t want kids?! What the hell, Dean!” 

Cas was trying his patience this morning and Dean had had enough. He rose from his seat at the kitchen table faced the upset man and crossed his arms. “Castiel, that is  _ not what I said _ !” 

“ _ Yes,  _ it is!” 

Dean walked over to his boyfriend and placed his hands on his shoulders. “I never said I didn’t want kids, Cas. Of course, I still want kids. I want a huge family… with you. But two weeks ago-“ Dean looked over his shoulder, out the big window that showcased the amazing landscape work in the backyard. 

“Baby, I’m fine. It was a minor injury and I’m almost completely healed.” 

Dean backed away and frowned, tears glistening in his green eyes. “A minor injury? Are you kidding me? You almost  _ died _ , Cas!” 

The other man rolled his eyes and walked over to the table, began clearing away their dishes. He squirted some soap into the sink and then filled it with hot water. “Dean. You know what my job is. There’s always a chance that I could get hurt. You knew that before we started dating.” 

“ _ You almost died _ . I sat by your bed in a hospital and prayed to God that you would open your eyes. I thought I lost you and that- God, Cas, that almost killed me…” 

Cas walked back over to Dean and wrapped the distraught man in his arms. He shushed him gently, “Dean, baby. I’m okay. I promise. It’s over and I’m okay.” 

Dean fisted Cas’s shirt and spoke against his neck, “It’s not over, Cas. Now that I  _ really _ know what I could lose- Every time you walk out that door, I know there’s a possibility that you may not come back.” 

“That isn’t any different than before, Dean. I still have the same job. I still do the same things.” 

Dean pushed away. When he looked at Cas, his eyes were filled with pain. “But now it’s real! Don’t you get it, Cas? I’m not ready to be a single parent.” 

Confusion colored the other man’s face. “Dean, what-- what are you talking about?” 

“I want a family with you, Cas.  _ With you _ . But if something happened to you-- God forbid, you  _ died _ ! I would be left alone. I would be a single parent raising  _ our _ kids. And I don’t think I’m ready for that.” 

Cas smiled softly and shook his head, “Dean, baby--” 

Dean whirled back around and placed his hand out to prevent Cas from coming any closer. “ _ No. _ Don’t you  _ dare  _ say that I am overreacting! Because I’m not, Castiel.” 

Cas looked down at the floor, a hardwood that Dean himself had sanded, stained, and installed. 

“Dean, I’m not saying that you’re overreacting. All I’m saying is that is a  _ big ‘If’ _ ”. 

“But it’s true… So yes, I want kids, a lot of kids, but I have to think about the future. And that includes a possible future without you. And right now, I’m not ready to be a single dad. So, no. I don’t want to adopt a baby…” Dean lifted Cas’s chin and met his eyes, “...  _ right now _ .” 

The firefighter sighed and gave his boyfriend a small smile, “Okay, Dean. We’ll wait.” 


	2. I Continued It...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes to his little brother for advice.

Sam walked over to the door with the baby in his arms and opened it up to find his brother. “Dean? We weren’t expecting you for another hour…” 

Dean scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand and shrugged, “Yeah, sorry. It’s just, uh, can we talk?” 

Sam’s eyebrows shot up. He was officially concerned. His big brother never asks for advice or help _ever_. “Yeah, sure. Come in. I was just getting lunch ready. You can help keep them distracted so I can finish.” 

Dean followed his brother through the sprawling house Sam and his wife, Eileen, shared. The kitchen was alive with commotion as two toddlers hollered from the table while a six-year-old girl hurried to set the table. Eileen was not in the room so Dean assumed she was probably upstairs getting ready. 

“Okay, calm down! You guys act like you haven’t seen him in a year,” Sam chuckled as he walked over to the stove to finish up the mac n’ cheese. 

Dean took a seat next to Tyler and then gave Maddie a hug. “Hey, sweetie. How did you do on your spelling test?” 

Maddie glanced over her shoulder at her dad and then grinned. “I aced it!” 

Dean laughed and held his hand out to her. “High five! I told you you could it!” She slapped his hand. 

Sam cleared his throat and Maddie quickly thanked her Uncle, “Thanks for helping me study, Uncle Dean.” 

Dean smiled at her while accepting a toy car from Aiden. “Anytime, sweetie.” 

He set the car on the tabletop and lazily moved it back and forth while Tyler crashed into it with animated screeching and a loud boom that Sam thought was better suited for an explosion. 

“I got you!” The three-year-old yelled happily. 

“Yeah, you did, kiddo.” 

Sam frowned as he poured the noodles into the colander and then dumped them back into the pot. Dean usually loved playing with Tyler because they both enjoy providing loud sound effects while animating his son’s collection of toy cars, but today, it seemed like Dean was distracted. 

Sam divided up the cheesy pasta into three small bowls, then carried the pot over to Lidia’s high chair so he could place two spoonfuls on her tray. Once the pasta was served, he finished up the pb&j sandwiches and cut them into triangles. Lidia’s was cut up into small bites, the twins’ each got three triangles and Maddie got one full sandwich cut into four. He quickly put together another two sandwiches and then scooped the rest of the pasta into a large bowl. 

He walked over to the table and set the last plate in front of Dean then took his seat next to Lidia’s high chair to supervise while his youngest tried to feed herself. 

Lunch was quiet other than the boys’ incessant chatter about dinosaurs versus robots. Dean ate the offered food more out of habit than enjoyment. Sam checked the clock on the wall and chuckled at his eldest’s newest art project. Maddie was carefully nibbling her sandwich into a heart shape then decorating it with mac n’ cheese polka dots. 

“Madison, please stop playing and eat.”

Sam looked away from his daughter and over to his wife. Eileen’s figure was still full thanks to the remaining baby weight from her last pregnancy and it took his breath away. As Lidia was done with her food, Sam rose and walked over to her. She looked amazing in the green dress that hit just above her knees. Her long brown hair was braided over one shoulder and she had even put on fresh lipstick for their outing. 

Sam leaned down and kissed her, “They’re almost done.” 

Eileen smiled, “Better be. You should go get ready. We don’t want to be late.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Sam turned around and nodded to Dean who then rose and followed him upstairs into the master bedroom. Dean sat down on the large bed while Sam walked into the bathroom and finished getting ready. Once a week, Dean watched his nieces and nephews while Sam and Eileen had an afternoon out. That day, they were going to a special matinee showing of The Goonies for Cult Classics week then having dinner afterward. 

Sam trimmed his beard and then brushed his teeth. Then he pulled his t-shirt off and tossed it into the hamper before heading into the closet to find a nicer shirt. While he buttoned it, he spoke to Dean. 

“Cas at work today?” 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, he’s working a double so he can have the fourth off.” 

“Oh, nice. The kids will be excited to see him.” Sam crossed to the dresser and slipped his watch onto his wrist then pulled out a tie. “They asked about him today.” 

“Hm?” 

“They wanted to know why you were coming here instead of them going to your place.” 

“Oh. Right. Yeah, I just…” Dean trailed off and Sam looked at him in the mirror. 

“Everything alright with you two?” 

Dean snagged one of the decorative pillows and set it in his lap. He slid the tassels over his fingers, his brow creasing. “He wants to adopt a baby.” 

Sam turned around and leaned against the dresser, “That’s good, right?” 

“Yeah… but--” Dean raised his head and Sam saw he was fighting tears. Dean Winchester _never_ cried. Sam stayed quiet, letting his brother work through his emotions until he could speak. 

“I almost lost him, Sammy… He almost _died_. And I guess I realized that he really _could_ die. Any time he goes out there is a chance he won’t come home. And if we had a kid…” 

Sam nodded, finally understanding. “You would be left alone with the kid.” 

“Yeah.” The look of relief in his brother’s eyes made Sam angry. For as much as Sam loved his brother’s boyfriend, sometimes Castiel could be an idiot. 

Sam and Dean’s parents had died unexpectedly in a car accident when they were little. Luckily, they had found a loving foster home with Bobby and Ellen Singer. Just after Dean turned six, the Singers had adopted them both. Their childhood was filled with love and laughter, but that didn’t mean the pain of losing Mary and John went away. Sam got it. He knew how it felt, the fear of losing Eileen or leaving their kids alone.

“Did you talk to him about it?” 

Dean sighed, “I tried. We fought about it, but then he said he understood. That we could wait until I was ready.” 

Sam took a seat on the opposite side of the bed after putting on his suit jacket. He bent over to put his shoes on and kept his voice even, “But?” 

“But now… he barely looks at me and he doesn’t want to talk about it at all. I don’t get it. He said that it was okay, so why is he acting like an ass!” 

Finished dressing, Sam got up and walked over to his brother who was now pacing. “Dean, he’s hurt and confused. And yes, maybe he said that he understands, but he doesn’t, _not really_. He can’t. He’s never lost anyone close to him. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have everything and then suddenly lose it.” He placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

“Just give him a little time to accept that something happened and it changed things. He’ll come around, Dean.” 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Dean met Sam’s eyes and gave him a tight smile.

Sam nodded. “We should head down. Eileen will kill me if we’re late.” 

Dean walked over to the door, paused. “Thanks, Sammy.” 

Sam smiled and followed him down the hall.

_Castiel, if you break my brother’s heart, I’ll kick your ass._


	3. Still Going...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah, communication. When it's good, it's great. But when it's not, it sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter deals with a lot. You get some background on Dean, as well as how he met Cas and something not so good that occurred in his childhood following his parents' deaths.  
> There's a bit of drama between the couple, but it ends on a positive note.

D ean walked into the house and toed off his shoes then locked the door and hung up his jacket. The silence began to bother him so he wandered into the living room and turned the stereo on, not caring which of Castiel’s CDs was in it. Devo’s  _ Whip It  _ filled the room and Dean chuckled before heading into the bedroom. He unbuttoned his jeans and shed them then pulled on the sweats hanging over the arm of the chair. Feeling a little better, he grabbed his laptop and walked back out to the living room. This time, he sat down on the long couch and flipped on the TV after pausing the music. 

Dean flipped through the channels looking for something to watch until he felt tired enough to sleep.

_ Click.  _ “No…”

_ Click.  _ “No.” 

_ Click. Click. _ “No…  _ Ugh _ , no.”

_ Click. _ “What the-- Oh, hell no.” 

He sighed and turned it off then laid his head back. It only lasted for a few minutes before he huffed, feeling restless. He needed to  _ do something _ ! Dean hated it when Cas worked two shifts in a row. One twenty-four hour shift was bad enough, but two made him feel uneasy. 

He tapped his fingers on his thigh then got up and walked over to the bookcase full of DVDs. Being a big movie buff, one measly shelf wouldn’t even be enough to hold all of his favorites so instead, Dean had built a series of shelves into the wall to showcase his vast collection. 

Once Dean made his choice, he slipped the disk into the reader and retreated back to the couch. He moved his computer to the coffee table and grabbed his phone. He scrolled through his messages while the opening credits played then set it aside when the main menu popped up. 

Dean made it through  _ Batman _ , _ Batman Returns _ , and  _ Batman Forever _ before he started feeling drowsy. He debated whether or not to start  _ Batman and Robin _ but decided that he should probably call it a night. 

Dean never slept well when Cas was gone so he usually put off going to bed as long as possible. So after he left the living room, he wasted time by taking a shower, shaving, putting the laundry away, and packing his lunch for the next day. However, when he finally crawled into bed a little after one, he just tossed and turned. Finally, around four, he gave up and went back out to the living room to mess around online. When his alarm went off at seven, he’d already eaten breakfast, got dressed, and worked out. By seven-thirty, he was on his way to work. 

When Dean was sixteen, he’d taken woodshop in high school and made a crucial discovery. He loved to build things. 

Back then, it was only bookshelves and cabinets later, a shed his senior year. After graduating, Dean had begun training in carpentry. Two years later, he’d turned his weekend hobby into a business. His company, DWS Enterprises, oversaw the designing, planning, and building of residential homes and store-fronts all over Sioux Falls. Although, as the boss, he wasn’t as hands-on as he used to be in high school, Dean still enjoyed the work he did and the people he met. 

People like his boyfriend.

Three years ago, his contracting firm had been hired to revamp the old fire station by updating the out-of-date architecture with a more sleek, modern look. They’d spent about twelve weeks working on it and since it was such a high-profile job, Dean had been down to check on the progress at least once a week. It was during those visits that he met and got to know an attractive dark-haired fireman with piercing blue eyes named Castiel. 

It began as harmless flirting. Whenever the two men bumped into each other Dean would make some cliche innuendo and Castiel would laugh. Cas would then clap him on the shoulder or brush his arm before leaving. Dean had quickly found himself hoping he'd see the blue-eyed fireman when he made his weekly trips. Then, during the third week on the job, Cas had invited him to take a break and chat over a cup of coffee. Never one to turn down an offer of free caffeine, Dean had accepted. 

Dean pulled his truck into the parking lot and grabbed his bag before heading into the office. There was a small crowd of workmen in the breakroom fighting over the new Keurig he'd bought a few weeks ago. They all nodded and greeted him as he walked by. At the front desk, Lisa was busy talking on the phone. Dean waved to her as he fell into step beside his favorite foreman, Charlie. Her long red hair was pulled back into a ponytail which could easily be tucked under her hardhat on the job site. Their boots echoed in the hallway as they walked toward his office. 

Dean sat down at his desk and pulled out the file for the Lawson job so he could take notes while Charlie filled him in. She wasn’t one to waste time with 'Good morning' or 'How are you', she preferred to be out on the site instead of in the office. 

She told him about the progress on the animal shelter they'd been hired to repair. A storm a few weeks ago left three giant holes in the roof and one of the walls demolished by a large oak tree. 

“We got the framework for the wall up yesterday and we’re ready to install the drywall, but electrical didn’t show up like they said they would so I’m thinking it may be best to take advantage of the cooler weather and get the roof finished.” 

Dean nodded as she spoke then scribbled something down in the file and smiled, “Sounds good. I’ll contact Gabe and see what the hold up is.” He checked the calendar on his desk then looked back at her, “I’ve got a meeting this morning and then I need to check on the house over on Wilson, but I’ll try to get back to you by one.” 

After she left, Lisa came in to go over his appointments. Once he was up to date, Dean was free to do whatever he wanted for an hour. The first thing he did was turn on the small tv in the corner of the room and boot up his desktop. While waiting for his computer to start up, he listened to the news and entered yesterday’s invoices into his ledger. Cas thought he should get an accountant to handle all the banking, but Dean preferred to do it himself. Relying on some stranger with his business finances made him uneasy. 

At ten o’clock, Dean headed down to the conference room for his meeting. It went well and he booked the job within the first twenty minutes. The rest of their time was spent discussing the costs and nailing down the details. It was over in under an hour and because he finished early, Dean was able to head over to the job site early. 

For the last six months, DWS Contracting had been working on building a new housing development on the lake. The contract included sixteen homes in three different styles. Dean wasn’t a huge fan of the first two designs, but the last… It was his baby. He’d worked his ass off to come up with what he had dubbed ‘The Grand’. There would be five houses directly off of Grand St and each of the two-story homes would have an open floor plan surrounding an elaborate stonework fireplace, the focal point of the layout. He’d assigned two of his teams to work in conjunction, one completing the foundation and framework while the other finished with drywall, floors, and masonry. It was a huge undertaking but it was worth it and Dean couldn’t wait to see the finished product. 

Luckily, when he turned onto Grand, he saw the progress he was hoping for. Three of the five houses had fully shingled roofs and partial stonework. The other two were still in the framework stage. 

His visit didn’t last long. Benny took him on a quick walk-through, showing him what they still needed to complete and filling him in on the supplies they would need for the next week. It was a fairly short tour since they still had a ways to go. So, after collecting the team’s invoices and letting Benny know when the new stone delivery would be dropped off, Dean headed back to the office for lunch. 

As he sat at his desk eating his chips and drinking a tall can of soda, Dean perused the new plans for the Biltmore office building and doodled in his notebook. 

‘Doodling’ was what Castiel called it when Dean sketched out new ideas that had nothing to do with his contracted clients. He was currently working on a large bay window and the bookcases that framed it on either side. 

He tucked the pencil behind his ear and tilted his head. He closed his eyes and imagined it in the house he’d been working on for over two years. It was a labor of love, a dream home that Dean one day hoped to live in with Cas. He’d never told Cas about the house or shared the ideas that ran through his head on a daily basis, too scared that Castiel would run if faced with the idea of forever. 

Dean mumbled to himself as he sketched, “... _ carved into the framework…. Maybe a nice cherry or chestnut? Cas loves those rich tones…”  _

His brainstorming session was interrupted by a loud siren and he startled before grabbing his phone off the desk. 

“Hello?” 

There was a long pause and for a moment he thought maybe his boyfriend butt-dialed him, but then he heard a heavy sigh and the familiar creak of the much-loved armchair Castiel practically lived in while at the station. 

“God, it’s good to hear your voice…” The firefighter sounded exhausted when he finally spoke, but there was also a hint of relief. 

Unsure if they were still fighting or not, Dean decided to play the part of 'loving boyfriend' instead of 'annoyed partner'. 

“Rough day?” he asked quietly. 

“You could say that. There was a family… by the time we got there, half the house was burnt down. Only Mom and the three girls made it out.” 

Dean didn’t say anything, mostly because he wasn’t sure  _ what _ to say. 

“Dean, I-- I’m sorry.” 

“... for what?” 

Dean could guess why the other man felt remorse, but there was also a scared little boy deep inside him that needed to hear the words. Be reassured that Castiel still loved him... that he was really sorry for ignoring him. 

“I shut you out and I’m sorry. I shouldn't have walked away and kept everything to myself. I know you’ve noticed, Dean. That I pulled away from you?”

Dean leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbow on the edge of the old desk. Worn not by time, but by the block wrapped in fine-grit sandpaper the contractor used when he was feeling stressed. 

It had been used a lot in the last few weeks. 

Dean fiddled with the edge of his notebook. “I did. What’s going on with you, Cas?” 

Cas sighed, “I was... angry.” Dean frowned. Where was this coming from? 

“Angry about what?” he asked. 

The other man snorted softly. “More like, at whom…” 

“You were mad at me? That’s why you shut me out?” 

“Dean, I--” 

“You said it was okay, Cas. That we could wait. You  _ said _ you wouldn’t hold it against me.” Dean glanced at the drawing on his desk and could’ve sworn he saw it crumbling before his eyes. He loved Cas so much… How could he do this? 

“... so can you please just take a breath? I didn’t call to fight, babe. I wanted to talk. Mila pointed out that it would be much healthier for me to tell you how I’m feeling rather than shut you out.” 

Dean picked up his pen and twirled it in his fingers. He smiled. “You talked to Mila?” 

“Yeah, she stopped by earlier today to drop something off for Rocky. Look, I know that you’re... skeptical… about what she does, but she noticed something was off with me and offered to help.” 

Dean sighed. “Cas, just because I had a bad experience with therapy as a kid doesn’t mean I’m unable to see how it could potentially help.

So what did she say?” 

Castiel chuckled, “Honestly? She suggested marriage counseling.” 

“But we’re not married.” 

"Well, _r_ _ elationship _ counseling, actually. Pretty much, she said that we need to work on our communication skills. So we can better understand how each other is feeling as well as where we're coming from.” 

Dean checked his watch. He had ten minutes before he needed to get back to work.  “So you’re saying you want to go to couples counseling?” 

“I’m saying I think it could be… beneficial.”

Castiel continued talking, listing the various reasons why this would be good for them, but Dean tuned him out. 

Dean had been to therapy once in his life. During the first few weeks of having Dean and Sam, Bobby and Ellen noticed that Dean wasn’t making any friends. They began to worry that it had something to do with either the trauma of his parents’ deaths or adjusting to life as a foster kid so they tried to take him to a shrink. He had flat out refused and they’d let it go. But then, after they had adopted the brothers a few years later and there was no change in his worrisome behavior, they tried again. Dean agreed to go the second time if only to make them happy. 

They'd taken him to a child psychologist who _supposedly_ specialized in traumatic experiences. The first meeting was just a consultation. She'd mostly asked about why he was there. Thankfully, Bobby and Ellen had been allowed to stay for that one so Dean didn’t have to talk much, but after the initial meeting, the arrangement changed. Then it was just him and the therapist. 

Looking back now, Dean was fairly certain the lady had minimal experience with children  _ at best _ and none on a personal level. There was no way in hell that lady was a mother. 

Her approach had been confusing to an eight-year-old boy. She wanted to take him back to the day his parents’ died and walk her through it. He’d gotten scared and she had told him that if he wanted to get better, he would have to confront it. He didn’t want to. She said he had to. He tattled to Bobby and Ellen. 

After his adoptive parents’ confronted her, she agreed to change the approach and Dean had agreed to go back a few more times. In the end, it probably would have been better if he’d refused. Because he’d been scared, sure, but at least he wouldn’t have been scarred for life like he was now. 

They’d talked about why Dean didn’t want to make any friends. He told her he was scared of losing them. Plus, he had Sammy and his adoptive sister Jo so he didn’t need anyone else. The sessions had only been thirty minutes at a time, but each one left him feeling drained. She had the tendency to speak to him like an adult, using complicated concepts and big words an eight-year-old didn’t understand. Unfortunately, he did comprehend some of it, so his little brain did what it had been trained to do from the first moments of birth. 

It filled in the blanks. 

When she asked him why he was afraid to meet new people, Dean interpreted it as  _ he  _ was the problem. When she assured him that everyone loses people they love and that it was a part of life, he thought she meant that he would  lose _anyone_ _he loved_. She tried to get him to think introspectively, but as a kid, all he understood was that it was his fault.  _ He  _ was the reason his parents died.  _ He  _ was going to lose everyone.  _ He _ would never be enough. 

After three sessions, it had fucked with his head so bad that he sunk into an anxiety-ridden depressive state where he would only talk to his brother. But he refused to acknowledge his love for Sam because he thought if he did, Sam would leave him. 

Once Bobby and Ellen found out, they had been understandably disgusted. They had immediately quit taking him to her and they’d gotten the authorities involved, after all, what she'd done was legally considered a form of child abuse.  It had taken Dean  _ years _ to open up again. He didn’t have any close friends until his first year of middle school and even then he was shy and reserved. Most of his relationships had been toxic and short-lived until he met Castiel. 

Dean wasn’t sure if the woman had actually lost her license, but he hoped she hadn’t been able to do to other kids what she’d done to him. 

Just the thought of sitting in a room lined with self-help books and listening to the technical jargon of someone he didn’t know terrified him to the point that he was ninety-nine percent sure he would either piss himself or throw up if he ever had to do it again. 

But he _loved_ Cas. He could see a future with the firefighter and he wanted to figure out how to get there. Dean trusted his boyfriend more than anyone (other than his brother) and if Cas thought going to counseling would help them grow stronger as a couple, he was willing to try. 

“... I mean, it’s not like you’d be alone. I would be there. We would go together, you know? And I’m not saying I’m not scared. I mean, I  _ am  _ scared. Of course. But I also think that maybe--” 

Dean interrupted his boyfriend’s rambling, “Okay.” 

“... cause they do this all the time. It’s their job after--" Cas stopped, surprised. "Okay? You-- you wanna do it? Really?” 

Dean took a deep breath and nodded even though the other man couldn’t see him. 

“Yeah. Cas, if you think this would help, then… yeah. Let’s do it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking the next chapter may get into their adoption journey, finally. 
> 
> But no promises.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean glanced at the man walking beside him and smiled. The last few months had been trying, but they were finally on the same page. 

Cas turned to him and asked, “Do we have time to stop for a scoop or two?” He nodded at the ice cream parlor up ahead. 

Dean considered it. Now that their appointment was over, they had the rest of the day off. 

“Sounds good to me.”

Cas grinned and walked a little faster, tugging Dean with him.

They stumbled through the doors giggling like teenagers, holding hands as they walked up to the counter. Cas opted for the new banana dream supreme while Dean chose Rocky road. After they paid for their ice cream, they sat down at one of the small tables. 

A few minutes passed and Castiel noticed his boyfriend had barely touched his dessert. He frowned and placed his hand on top of Dean’s. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

Dean looked up from where he’d been playing with the spoon and sighed, “I don’t think this is the place for it…” 

Further concerned, Cas moved to the chair beside him. He wrapped his arm around Dean’s shoulders and pulled him close. “Dean, whatever it is, it’s okay. Remember what Dr. Rosen said? We’re not supposed to suppress what we’re feeling. 

“I know… it’s just-- It feels a little too personal to talk about in public.” He raised his eyes. “Can we please just hold off until we’re home?” 

Cas sighed, “Okay, babe.” 

The firefighter tucked into his ice cream, but Dean stayed distracted. He kept glancing over Castiel’s shoulder and if the older man thought he could do so covertly, he would’ve turned around to see what kept grabbing his boyfriend’s attention. 

They only stayed for another fifteen minutes-- Once Cas finished his sweet treat, he got a lid for Dean’s then led him outside. The walk to the car was quiet, amping up Castiel’s anxiety over what Dean wanted to talk about. Did he change his mind about adopting a baby? Or did he want to break up? 

There were too many possibilities. He felt the ice cream curdle in his gut. 

As soon as Dean walked in the door, he shed his jacket then walked down the hall to the master bedroom. Cas followed slowly. He was so nervous his voice cracked when he spoke. 

“Dean?” 

The other man sighed before looking back at him. “I’m gonna… take a shower.” 

Cas nodded even though he wanted to scream. His worry rose another notch, but he ignored it and headed back out to the living room. 

He sat on the couch and turned on the TV, but shut it back off a minute later. He tugged at his collar, undid the top button and shoved his hand through his hair. It was getting a little long, but he’d been holding off because Dean liked to play with it when they were lying in bed. 

He picked up the magazine on the coffee table and flipped through. The glossy pages were filled with amazing architecture and ideas for ‘elevating a limited space’. Definitely one of Dean’s. 

“So, uh… I’ve been thinking…” Dean started as he walked into the room still toweling his hair dry.

Cas tossed the magazine onto the glass table and gave his boyfriend his full attention. The contractor’s lean build was on display, droplets of water trailing down his bare chest to disappear under the towel wrapped around his waist. Castiel willed himself to behave. Dean wanted to have a serious conversation, this was no time to get aroused. 

He shifted on the couch so Dean could sit beside him. The other man did, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees. 

“I know we talked about adopting a baby, but--” 

Cas couldn’t help himself. His anxiety was too high. He interrupted, “You don’t want a baby?” 

“No, it’s not that. It’s just--” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. “What if she-- or he-- has a sibling?” 

Cas frowned. “What do you mean?” 

Dean sighed then turned to face his boyfriend. He took Cas’s hands in his. “I want a baby with you. I do. But--” he paused, took a deep breath. “But I won’t split up siblings, Cas.” 

“Are you saying you want more than one? Shouldn’t we start with one and see how it goes first?” 

“Cas, I’ve been there, okay? I  _ know  _ what it’s like to be the older sibling. Sammy got lots of attention before Bobby and Ellen came along. People gushed over him because he was cute and still… innocent.” 

Cas kept quiet although he rested one of his arms over Dean’s shoulders. 

“I wasn’t a bad kid, but I did have…  _ issues _ … with authority. I got real protective when potential couples came asking after Sam. I scared most of them off. Bobby and Ellen were the first ones to tell me it was okay if I was upset, you know? They understood that I _ needed _ to protect my brother. Sam needed me and I needed him. We were a two-for-one deal.” 

Everything started to make sense. Dean was worried about splitting up siblings who were both up for adoption. 

“Cas, I can’t-- I  _ won’t _ break up a family. It doesn’t matter if there are two kids or five, I’m not choosing one and leaving the others.” Dean’s voice broke and he looked away, embarrassed by his involuntary reaction. 

Cas frowned in sympathy. He pulled Dean into his arms and held him close, shushing him as he fought to gain control. 

“Shh. Dean, it’s okay. I understand. And while I don’t think we’re quite ready to be a family of say, six, I get that you feel strongly about this.” He stroked his boyfriend’s damp hair as he spoke. 

Dean sat back, sniffling. “I know you really only wanted a baby, but I just needed you to know…” 

Cas smiled at him. “I know. And I’m glad you told me. Even though I knew that this process may affect you more than me, it’s hard because I can’t really understand everything you’re feeling.” 

Desperate to push his emotional outburst behind them, Dean stood. He slowly walked backwards, toward the hallway, stopping at the threshold to drop his towel and smirk at his boyfriend. Cas’s erection, which had flagged drastically since he first saw Dean fresh out of his shower, perked back up. 

Dean massaged the back of his neck, closed his eyes. “You know, I think I might head to bed, but uh, I’m not really tired. Any idea how I can pass the time?” 

Cas rose from the couch. He unbuttoned his shirt and let it fall to the floor. “I can think of a few…” 


	5. Chapter 5

Ever since their discussion earlier in the week, Dean and Cas had been extra  _ hands-on _ . Dean wrapped his arms around his boyfriend while Cas made breakfast. The couple snuggled on the couch after work or held hands during a walk around the neighborhood. 

Their nights were especially passionate as well. 

“Mmm, yeah,  _ fuck _ , Cas, I’m close…” Dean moaned, his cheek resting on the mattress. 

“God, I’ve missed this,” Cas panted, his hands framing the contractor’s hips. His eyes were glued to his boyfriend’s ass, watching his dick slide in and out of Dean’s puckered flesh. 

He leaned down so he could place a kiss on Dean’s sweaty neck, then righted himself so he could pound into the other man as his own orgasm approached. 

“Oh, God! Oh, God! Yeah! There, right there--Oh, fuck!” With a loud groan, Dean came, his muscles clenching tight around Castiel’s dick. The firefighter’s hips stuttered and he followed, grunting as he filled Dean’s ass. 

Cas collapsed on Dean’s sweaty back. 

“Oof!” 

“Mmm, sorry…” Cas mumbled, still spasming deep inside the other man. He rolled over with a groan, grabbed the tissue box off the nightstand. Dean spread his legs apart so Cas could clean him up then waited until his boyfriend had discarded the used tissue before cuddling against him. 

The contractor sighed happily, “God… I needed that…” 

Cas smiled down at him. “Oh? Hard day?” 

“Yeah. The stones arrived, but they were the wrong ones so I had to send them back. It puts us about half a week behind schedule. The wood stain has some issues with it so I had to call the manufacturer. They’re sending a new shipment but it won’t be here until Monday.” 

The firefighter snorted. “Poor baby.” 

Dean huffed and swatted his chest. “Shut up.” 

Cas chuckled in response. He pulled the sheet over them then reached to turn out the light. Dean mumbled sleepily. 

_ “I think we should adopt a baby.” _

Cas’s hand froze. “Wh-- what?”

Dean settled his head on Castiel’s chest, tangled their fingers together. “I think we should adopt.” 

“You mean... now?” Cas had never been one to stumble over his words, but his mind was racing. 

Dean snorted softly. “I’m pretty sure they’re closed now, but maybe tomorrow…” He slid face-first into the bed when Cas suddenly sat up. He rubbed his nose, frowning.

The firefighter seemed on the verge of a panic attack, his hands pushing through his hair, his blue eyes wide. 

“Cas, babe? What’s wrong?” 

Castiel’s eyes finally focused on him, a look of disbelief on his face. 

“Seriously? You decide to drop a bombshell like that and now you’re asking me what’s wrong?” 

Dean frowned. “A bombshell? Babe, we’ve been talking about adopting for months now. It’s hardly a bombshell.” 

Cas flung the covers off and began pacing. “ _ In theory! _ We’ve been talking about it in terms of  _ someday _ , not today!” 

Dean got out of bed and grabbed his underwear off the floor. He slid them on then walked over to his boyfriend. He placed his hands on Cas’s biceps, halting the man’s frantic pacing. 

He attempted to placate him. “Cas, babe, if you want to wait, that’s fine--” 

“--and then you say ‘let’s adopt’ and try to go to bed! Who does that! That’s not something you just toss out a few seconds before falling asleep!” 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Cas…” Dean says softly, rubbing his hands up and down Castiel’s arms. 

Cas finally stops struggling. He looks up at Dean, his eyes searching worried green ones. 

“Are you… serious? I mean, did you mean it? What you said.” 

Dean nods. “Yeah, I did.” 

“You want a baby.” 

“Yes.” 

“Now?” 

“Well, maybe not today or tomorrow, but yeah. I’d like to start the process.” 

“You’re sure? I mean, I thought we were focusing on  _ us _ . Going to therapy.” 

Dean smiled. “We  _ are _ , babe.” He shrugged. “But I think we’re ready. I’m in a better place mentally, and we’ve worked on the major stuff that was getting in the way.” 

“I don’t want to wait anymore, Cas. I want a baby with you.” 

“You really think we’re ready?” Cas asked. 

“Yeah, I do.” 

Cas took a deep breath then finally let the smile he’d been holding back light up his face. 

“Okay. Let’s do it. Let’s adopt a baby.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the rating on this to Explicit since we've ventured into sex territory. 
> 
> Let the countdown begin!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel test the waters before taking the big plunge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm a little nervous about posting the upcoming chapters, including this one. Because I've never been through the adoption process, on either side, I'm not exactly sure what it looks like. So, I'm using my writer's privilege here. 
> 
> *I don't mean ANY offense to anyone with this chapter or any of the following ones. I believe in adoption as a beautiful way to complete a family and that's all I'm trying to convey. If that doesn't come across, I apologize in advance.*

Dean walked into the living room holding two hangers. He stopped at the threshold of the kitchen and asked the room, “Which one?” 

His brother turned around first, tilted his head in thought before pointing to the black one. 

“I like that one. It makes your eyes pop.” Sam’s wife nodded in agreement before passing him the plate of eggs. 

Dean frowned, switched his attention to his boyfriend. “Cas? What do you think? Black or grey?” 

“Dean, sweetheart, I hardly think it matters what color shirt you wear. We’re going to hang out with Maddie for a couple of hours.” 

At the table, Sam met Eileen’s eyes then shook his head. Castiel was an idiot. 

He stood and walked over to his brother, placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. 

“Which one do  _ you  _ like better?” 

Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, they both look good, but I need to look…  _ right _ .” 

“Right for what?” Cas asked from his spot in front of the stove. 

Sam ignored him. Instead, he guided his brother to sit down on the couch. 

“Did she give you any idea what you’d be doing while you’re there?” 

Dean shook his head. “Uh, not really. I mean, she mostly just said we could hang with them and see how it goes. It’s the first introduction so it’ll mostly be talking, I guess.” 

“When are you guys going?” 

Dean glanced at the clock on the mantle before answering Sam’s question. “Shelly told us to arrive around eleven forty-five so we can fill out a few forms, but we won’t meet them until twelve.” 

Sam paused, thinking. Eileen came into the room and stood behind Sam. 

“Definitely not white then,” she said. “It’ll get stained more easily than black and you’re going to be there over lunchtime.” 

“Oh, gosh! You’re right!” Dean exclaimed, jumping up from the sofa to rush back down the hall towards the bedroom. 

Eileen placed her hand on her husband’s shoulder. Sam turned his head so he could kiss her hand. 

“You mind waiting here for a minute? I need to speak with Castiel.” 

Eileen nodded and took a seat in the large armchair. Sam returned to the kitchen. 

Cas glanced up at the other man while piling bacon on a plate. Dean loved bacon. 

“Where did everyone run off to? Breakfast is almost ready.” 

Sam sighed. “Dean went to change his shirt. Eileen is in the living room. I told her I wanted a minute alone with you.” 

Hearing the stern tone in Sam’s voice, Castiel looked up fully. “You sound upset…” 

“I am.” 

Cas took a seat at the table across from Sam. “Okay…” 

“Cas, you need to understand something. This isn’t just another day. This is the first time you’re meeting your potential children. You’re treating my brother like he’s being ridiculous, but Cas, he’s been on the other side. He remembers how nerve-wracking it can be to meet potential couples-- get your hopes up. He wants to make a good impression so they know he’s serious. That he really wants this.” 

With each word that Sam spoke, Cas felt more and more like the worst boyfriend ever. 

“I didn’t know, Sam. I mean, Dean talks about your childhood a little, but he mostly focuses on the years with Bobby and Ellen. He’s never really told me how it was living in the orphanage…” 

Sam shrugs, takes a sip of his cooling coffee. “It wasn’t the happiest time for him. It was full of uncertainty and fear. He was worried about taking care of me--making sure  _ I  _ was happy.” 

Dean walked back into the kitchen and held his arms out. “Okay, how do I look?” 

Taking Sam’s talk to heart, Cas rose and walked over to stand in front of his boyfriend. He smoothed his hands down the lapels of Dean’s much-beloved denim jacket then leaned in to kiss him. 

“You look great, honey. They’re going to love you.” 

Dean smiled. “ _ Us _ \-- they’re going to love  _ us _ .” 

* * *

Dean didn’t think he’d ever been this nervous in his life. As soon as Cas pushed open the door to the adoption agency, his stomach flipped. He was fairly certain if he let go of Cas’s hand, his own would be shaking. 

“Dean?” Cas asked, noticing the pallor of his boyfriend’s face. “How about you sit down while I let Rachel know we’re here?” The couple talked to the receptionist enough times over the last few weeks that they’d grown a rapport with her. 

“Y-yeah. Okay,” Dean gulped, trying for a smile as he entered the small waiting room. 

The agency reminds him of the firm where Sam works downtown. There is a long hallway at one end lined with doors on either side, a water cooler next to a small refreshments table, and a colorful array of dated magazines artfully placed on the end tables-- the only difference is the clientele. Here, the magazines are browsed by potential couples hoping to calm their nerves rather than bored social workers accompanying delinquent kids. 

“Oh, hi, Castiel! Is today the big day?” Rachel asked excitedly when the fireman approached the reception desk. 

Cas blushed, shook his head. “No, we’re just meeting them today. But if all goes well, hopefully in a week or two it might be.” 

She smiled big. Her long nails clacked against the keyboard as she typed in his information to pull up their appointment. “Ah, yes. Here it is. Looks like Shelley's out with the flu so you’re with Lisa today.” 

Cas glanced over his shoulder to where Dean was busy flipping through one of the glossy mags. He chewed his lip nervously. They'd been speaking with Shelly for almost three weeks now. She knew them, their history, Dean's adoption past. His boyfriend had a hard time warming up to people, but Shelly had somehow broken through to him. With her gone, Cas worried, Dean may panic. 

He weighed the pros and cons for a few minutes. Rachel waited with a concerned look. Finally deciding he and Dean had waited long enough to meet the kids, Cas nodded to her. She couldn't hide her sigh of relief. 

“Alrighty. I just need you to sign in here so I can give you a visitor's pass.” 

Cas picked up the pen and scrawled his name across the line. He set the pen down beside the form, noticed his hand was trembling slightly. Everything felt so official all of a sudden. 

Used to nervous parents, Rachel gently picked up the document. She secured it to a clipboard before handing it back to him. “We’ll need Mr. Winchester to sign as well-- Unless it’s just you going in today?” Doubt passed over her features. Cas quickly assured her that, yes, Dean would be joining him. 

He stopped to grab a small cup of water before crossing the room. He sat down beside Dean, who couldn’t seem to stop bouncing his knee. The contractor set aside the magazine and gratefully accepted the water cup. He downed it in one go. 

Cas handed him the clipboard.  “Here. They need your signature at the bottom so you can get a visitor’s pass."

Dean nodded and quickly scribbled his name in the indicated space. He was afraid if he took the time to make it neat, his fear would send him running. 

Cas placed a hand on his knee. “We don’t have to do this today, Dean. We could come back--” 

Dean looked up in alarm. “No!” 

Several people in the room immediately glanced in their direction. The contractor lowered his head as well as his voice. He settled his hand on top of his boyfriend’s and squeezed. 

“Cas, I’m okay. I  _ want  _ to do this. Okay? I just-- this place brings back a lot of memories." He gave a wry smile. 

"It's also a little... unsettling... to be on this side of things, you know? I mean, I met with so many couples who wanted to adopt Sam, but now... _I'm_ the couple. Walking in there, getting their hopes up. I just-- I don't want to disappoint them... " When he looked at Cas, the contractor's green eyes were swirling with emotion. 

Cas pulled him into a hug. “It's okay to be nervous, Dean. I am too. It's a big step. We would be crazy not to be.” He leaned back so he could meet Dean's eyes. "I actually think your background with all of this may not be a bad thing, babe. You understand more than anyone how they're feeling. Maybe it will help us connect with them." 

Dean looked doubtful. "You really think so?" 

"Yes," Cas said, nodding, "I really do. Now you sit right here and I’ll go get your pass.” 

With a last pat on the other man’s shoulder, Castiel rose to return the clipboard. Rachel was on the phone so he spent a couple of minutes leafing through the pamphlets laid out on the countertop. There were counseling options, suggestions of what to do before Bringing Baby Home, a list of the top ten questions adopted children ask, even a small flyer from the community center down the street advertising events and activities for children of all ages. 

Rachel hung up the phone then picked up two laminated clip-on tags. She handed them to Castiel with a smile. 

“Okay, here we go. You’ll need to wear these on your person at all times while in the facility. Make sure it’s easily visible and won’t fall off. Once you’re done, you can place them in the green basket down there.” She pointed at the end of the counter to a small plastic basket labeled PASSES. 

“Lisa should be out in just a few minutes-- she was finishing up a quick phone call. She’ll take both of you over to the housing facility where you can meet the kids. Any questions?” 

Cas tried to take in everything she’d said. It was a lot to process. Even though he and Dean had been thorough in their quest for the right agency, it was nerve-wracking to finally be here. Realizing that Rachel was waiting for him to respond, Cas nodded and accepted the badges. 

He sat down beside Dean, turned to him. 

“I guess now we wait.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The agency's main focus is on the safety of the children. That's why I made the check-in process seem clinical.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two steps forward, one step back.

Lisa Markley was a large woman who seemed a better fit for a career as a detention counselor over an adoption agency liaison, but somehow, Dean felt more comfortable sitting in her office than he had in the waiting room. 

Maybe it was the numerous pictures lining her bookshelves. They weren’t all smiling, happy kids-- some looked annoyed, a few had a hint of fear in their eyes. But the way they clung to her showed just how much they all trusted her. And  _ that _ reassured Dean. 

She started off by introducing herself and giving them a few pertinent details regarding her history with the agency. 

“Now, I’ll be honest with you two-- I’ve only been with this agency for about a year, but I’ve been working with children since I graduated back in eighty-three. I started out in social services and dealt mostly with older children who had trouble getting placed in foster homes. Then, I moved here from Atlanta and I decided to work a little more hands-on with the kids by getting on at the orphanage. I loved it there, but after experiencing some of the rude, ignorant,  _ cold  _ people they let adopt the kids, I chose to apply here.” 

She paused, looking each man in the eye before continuing. 

“Now, according to my boss, my job is to find you the right child to fit with your family, but that isn’t true. The  _ true  _ nature of my job is to help those kids find a family who will love them and care for them. Provide them with all the things they need to succeed in this life.

“I’m going to open up this folder and take a look at who you’re interested in meeting.  _ But _ if my gut tells me this is a bad match and you won’t be good for whoever it is, I will stand up, shake your hands and bid you a good afternoon.” 

By the end of Lisa’s speech, Castiel was shaking in his proverbial boots. Dean, on the other hand, had a huge grin on his face as he relaxed into the stiff chair. She was perfect. 

Lisa flipped open the folder and pulled out the paperclipped documents. She looked up in surprise. 

“You’re meeting two children today?” 

Dean nodded silently while his boyfriend explained. 

“Yes, that’s right. Madison and Jake.” 

A frown creased the woman’s woman and she leaned forward. She narrowed her eyes. 

“You are aware of their age difference? Madison is only eight months but Jacob is--” 

“Nine,” Dean interrupted. “Yeah, we know.” The contractor steeled his eyes, lifted his chin. “Is that a problem?” 

Castiel smirked then coughed to cover his amusement. Dean may seem like a scared pussy cat most of the time, but he is really a tiger, lying in wait, observing his surroundings. When the time comes to pounce, he has no problem digging his claws in. 

Lisa seemed satisfied with his answer and returned her attention to the children’s files. After a few more minutes of silent perusing, she closed the folder and sat back in her chair. 

“Once we arrive at the orphanage, I will lead you to one of our introduction rooms. Once Mandy brings in the children, I’ll make introductions, assure that everyone feels comfortable, then leave you to get to know them. The rooms are monitored at all times by a security feed. If we feel the children are in danger, we will intervene and you will be asked to leave the premises. 

“You’re allowed up to thirty minutes in the room, then you’re able to go into any of the following areas: the nursery, the rec room, or the cafeteria. The children’s living quarters are off-limits, as are the outdoors. 

“At exactly one o'clock, I will come to get you so we can discuss how things went and fill out any paperwork.” 

Lisa glanced at one man, then the other before asking, “Any questions?” 

They both shook their heads so she stood and led them down the hall in the opposite direction of the reception area. The glass door opened to a small parking lot at the back of the building. Dean and Castiel followed Lisa over to a large black Suburban. Dean sat up front with Lisa. Cas slid into the back. 

She talked about the kids on the short drive to the housing facility, telling them about Jacob’s allergy to honey and letting them know that Madison has a tendency to cry each night before bed. 

“The only thing that calms her down is her brother. As soon as he sings to her, she’s out like a light.” 

Dean almost laughed at how familiar that sounded. He used to be the only one who could take care of Sam when he got hurt. Anyone else tried to touch him and the kid would go nuts, kicking and screaming until Dean showed up. 

The large building they stopped in front of was old but loved. Dean could tell just by looking that some of the stonework had recently been redone. The stone steps that led to the double-door entrance were framed with sturdy wrought iron railing to prevent falls. He noticed the doormat and snorted before pointing it out to Cas. It was tan with big black letters, a trail of paw prints running through the word  _ WELCOME _ . 

When the doors opened, Cas was surprised by how quiet it was. He was expecting the din of a classroom or a school cafeteria, but instead, the only noise came from a room off to the right where a few children were listening to a woman read a book. 

Dean stepped over the threshold and froze. Hundreds of memories washed over him-- good, bad, exciting, terrifying-- Everything he remembered from his time at the orphanage hit him at once. It was like a crushing weight on his chest making it hard to breathe while the images flashed dizzily in his head. 

He closed his eyes and held onto the back of a nearby chair. 

Lisa turned around when she heard the tell-tale signs of a mounting panic attack. Cas walked back over to Dean and placed his hands on his boyfriend’s shoulders. “Dean? Babe? You with me?” 

“Is he alright?” Lisa asked, respectfully keeping her distance to allow the struggling man the room he needed to catch his breath. 

Cas nodded. “Yeah, he just needs a minute.” 

She gestured to the couch located near the large window. “Why don’t you two take a seat? I’ll go let Mandy know we’re here.” 

Cas led Dean over to the couch. It was sun-warmed, framed by two deep-green pillows with little gold buttons on them. They didn’t look comfortable at all, but when they sat down, he realized the same could not be said about the sofa. Although it looked fairly new, on closer inspection he saw a few loose threads and a couple faded spots where a drink had probably been spilled. 

Dean fingered one of the tan-colored strings, twisting it between his thumb and forefinger. So much was running through his head it was making him dizzy. As much as he loved Cas, he really wished his brother was here. 

Sam would know what to say to calm him down. How to bring Dean’s focus back to the present. 

_ “Dean?”  _

_ “Dean, you there?”  _

He looked up at the sound of his brother’s voice and found Cas holding up his cell phone, Sam’s name on the screen. 

The fireman shrugged. “I thought it might help to hear his voice.” 

With a teary smile at his boyfriend, Dean accepted the phone. 

“Hey, Sammy…” 

_ “Hey, Cas told me you guys just got to the place?”  _ His brother was wise, avoiding the use of words he knew would trigger another episode. 

“Yeah, it’s… nice. Kind of quiet.” 

_ “Really? So nothing like the madhouse we stayed in then?” Stayed _ , not  _ lived _ . It was an important distinction that Sam understood. 

He chuckled. “Not even close.” 

_ “Any sign of it yet?”  _ Sam asked. 

Cas frowned when he heard Sam’s question. What on earth was he talking about? 

Dean ran a hand over the back of his head. “Not yet. But we’ve only made it in the door. Haven’t even met the kids yet.” 

The true crux of the problem. Sam knew he had to tread lightly. His brother needed reassurance without feeling like he was an idiot. The best way to do that? Throw him a curveball.

_ “Maybe you should start by telling them about your weird obsession with peanut butter and bacon sandwiches.”  _

Dean shared a look with Cas before responding, “What-- what are you talking about?” 

_“You. You should let them know who the real you is, Dean. Don’t try to be the ideal parent. Just be you._ _In all of your classic-rock-loving, way-too-obsessed-with-Batman, can’t-keep-your-hands-still-if-you’re-life-depended-on-it glory.”_

Cas smiled, gave his shoulder a quick squeeze. Dean blushed and ducked his head. 

“Thanks, Sammy.” 

_ “Anytime, brother.”  _

He could hear the love in Sam’s voice even over the phone. Although Dean preferred to keep his emotions mostly to himself, there was no denying that he would do anything for his brother. They’d been through the loss of their parents, the uncertain days at the orphanage, adoption. 

Dean had been there for Sam when he doubted his abilities during law school, worried about being good enough for Eileen, was scared shitless at the prospect of becoming a father… and now Sam was ready to do the same for him. 

He turned to Cas. “Ready?” 

Cas nodded, made eye contact with Lisa, who had been silently waiting near the staircase for the last few minutes. She approached the couch. 

“How’re we doing? Still want to do this?” 

After exchanging a brief look, the two men nodded then rose, holding hands. 

They followed Lisa down another long hallway that led through the back of the house. She stopped outside of a small room and gestured for them to go inside. 

The room consisted of a table and chairs on one side as well as a small couch and armchair on the other. The wooden floor was partially covered by a large rug that ran the length of the room and there was a window that let in some light, warming up the otherwise impersonal room. To prevent anxious eyes from checking the time too often, there was no clock, but there was a small kitchenette-type area that Dean was relieved to see. His mouth suddenly felt too dry. 

Lisa quickly informed them that although the children were accustomed to seeing couples sitting at the table, they were free to choose the couch or floor, or even just stand-- whatever was most comfortable. 

Dean took a seat at the table, his hands folded in front of him so he wouldn’t fidget. Cas lingered in front of the dark walnut bookcase set against the wall opposite the door. His fingers danced over the book spines, stopping every once in a while to pull one out, smiling softly when he recognized a title. Lisa stood near the door, ready to open it as soon as Mandy and the children arrived. 

A knock sounded at the door. Three sets of eyes immediately looked at it. 

The children were here. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it weird that I'm excited for the next chapter? I mean, I'm writing this and I still can't wait to meet the kids lol


	8. Chapter 8

Jake walked in first. He was small for his age, shaggy hair flopping in his eyes as he looked around the room. He was immediately drawn to the quiet man sitting at the table-- there was something about him that made Jake feel comfortable. The other man didn’t seem to notice him at all, beelining straight for Maddie. 

For a few breathless moments, Dean was sure he’d traveled back in time. The boy standing in the doorway looked just like Sam. Same messy all-day bedhead shielding sad hazel eyes. 

He carefully stood before offering Jake a small smile. The kid watched him warily. 

Dean squatted down in front of him so he’d be on Jake’s level. “Hi, I’m Dean.” 

Jake stared at his outstretched hand for a long minute before finally grasping it in a firm handshake. “Hi. I’m Jake.” He nodded to his sister, who was now in Cas’s arms. “That’s Maddie.” 

Dean smiled up at the baby. “Hi, Maddie.” He turned back to the boy then pointed at Cas. “That’s Castiel. You’ll have to excuse him, he’s never done this before.” 

Jake visibly stilled, his face falling. “You- you have? Why’d you take ‘em back?” He asked quietly. Dean frowned. 

“Oh! No, no we-- I mean,  _ I’ve  _ done this before. Well, not the adopting part but the, um, other part,” Dean rambled nervously. Jake’s concern grew. He squinted at the flustered man in front of him, took a small step back. Dean’s heart seized in his chest. Could he act like a bigger spaz? 

Taking a deep breath, he tried again. “What I mean is I, uh-- was adopted.” 

Jake’s eyes searched his, trying to determine if Dean was telling the truth. 

“Me and my brother,” Dean continued, “we actually lived in a place like this for a while. Before our parents Bobby and Ellen adopted us.” 

“Why didn’t your real parents want you?” Jake asked plainly. Cas, who was sitting on the couch bouncing Maddie on his knee, froze when he heard Jake’s question. 

Although thinking about his mom and dad still stung, Dean pushed through. Jake was testing him, seeing how open and honest he was willing to be. “They… they died.” 

“Oh.” Jake walked over to the couch, sat down on the cushion beside Cas. His body language was stiff, though. He didn’t want to be near him-- Cas had his sister. 

He played with the hem of his tee-shirt, looked up at Dean. “My mom didn’t want me…” He said it in such a small voice, it broke Dean’s heart. The boy didn’t think he was worth anything because his drug-addict mother neglected him and his sister. 

It was a sticky topic though, so, instead of trying to get Jake to talk about it, Dean walked over to sit cross-legged in front of Cas. He waved at Maddie, smiled when she cooed at him. “Hi, there, sweetheart.” 

Jake felt a little left out when Dean started paying attention to his sister along with Castiel so he got up and walked over to the bookcase. 

Dean met Cas’s eyes, gestured to Jake.  _ “Go talk to him,”  _ he mouthed. 

Castiel reluctantly handed the baby over to Dean then joined Jake. “Do you... like to read?”

Jake nodded but didn’t elaborate. Cas reached out to touch the spine of Ray Bradbury’s 1945. “I like science fiction pretty well-- What about you?” 

He shrugged. “I don’t know…” he said quietly. “I just like reading…” 

Cas smiled. “Well, you should probably know then that Dean built a bunch of bookshelves in our house. I’ve practically filled them up with all my books…” 

“...Really?” 

“Mhmm. See, he likes movies, but there’s just something about a good novel that draws me in.” 

“I, uh, like the way they smell…” Jake said, shrugging one shoulder. 

Cas chuckled. “Me too.” 

Watching Cas interact with Jake was amazing. Sure, they’d both been nervous at first, but after they found something in common, they rambled quietly in the corner of the room. Which gave Dean time to bond with Maddie. 

As he played with her, Dean couldn’t stop smiling-- so this is what it felt like to be Dad to a little girl… 

They ventured out into the rest of the facility a little before their time was up in the Introduction Room. Dean carried Maddie while they walked through the halls, Jake leading the way to the nursery. The baby had started to fuss a little while ago so the plan was to change her diaper then head to the cafeteria for lunch. 

Jake and Cas were still talking about books but they’d moved from best series onto favorite authors. When they arrived at the nursery, Dean hung back with Jake so Cas could spend some time with Maddie. The firefighter amused her by blowing raspberries on her bare tummy then tickling her after he’d secured her fresh diaper. 

He and Dean had been sharing knowing looks since they met the children. The fiercely protective little boy and giggling joy-filled baby were a perfect fit for the two slightly stubborn, yet endearingly devoted men. They’d found their kids. 

As they leaned against the wall, waiting for Cas and Maddie, Jake turned to Dean. “Castiel said that you built bookcases?” he said shyly. “Is that true?” 

Dean nodded. “Yup. I built them into the walls. They’re all over the house.” 

“Is it-- um, do you have a- a  _ big _ house?” Jake asked timidly. 

Dean felt his heart swell but tried to temper his excitement. “Well,” he said calmly, “it has three bedrooms...” 

“Wow!  _ Three? _ That’s pretty cool. So, would I, um, get my own room?” Jake looked down at the floor, shrugged. “I’ve never had my own room before…” 

Smiling softly, Dean nodded. “Absolutely, you can pick out all the furniture and the color of the walls too.” When the boy’s eyes lit up at the prospect of decorating his own room, it reminded Dean of the first time he’d walked into his and Sam’s room at Bobby and Ellen’s. 

It had been small, but not tiny and nothing like the massive room filled with rows of beds at the orphanage. Although they’d had to share, Dean hadn’t minded because he had nightmares whenever Sam was too far from him. 

Ellen had provided simple, fresh linens but told the boys they were free to pick something else the next time they went to the store. When the time came, it was almost too much for Dean to handle. The number of options- patterns  _ and  _ colors- to choose from was overwhelming to a boy who’d been given hand-me-down sheets. He’d never gotten any say in what they looked or felt like and although he was sure his parents let him make some decisions about the room he’d slept in, he’d no longer remembered what it looked like. 

It had been such a huge moment for him, standing in the home goods aisle, his small hand in Ellen’s. After much deliberation, seven-year-old Dean had eventually selected a set of race car sheets, which he’d lovingly cradled all the way home and insisted he put on his bed himself. 

Of course, their room changed over the years. It had to with two growing boys. They’d transitioned from a toddler bed and crib to a set of bunk beds and finally, two twins. But Bobby and Ellen had always made sure there was plenty of room for both brothers to have their own space. Dean usually hung out by the window, at the desk Bobby built for him while Sam played with his toys or read in the beanbag in the corner.

It was one part of adoption Dean was especially excited for-- Seeing what the children chose, watching Maddie and Jake’s personalities develop and flourish without the oppression of a dozen other kids who were older, louder, or bossier dictating what clothes they wore or toys they played with. 

He wanted his kids to have the opportunity to thrive in a home filled with love and acceptance like he and Sam had. 

By the time the group finished eating lunch-- ham and cheese sandwiches with BBQ chips for Jake and Cas, PB&J and cheese crackers for Dean and Maddie-- the time had flown by. Dean wished they could stay longer, but as he and Cas said goodbye to Jake and his sister, he knew it wouldn’t be long before they saw them again-- Those were their kids. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has a little more angst, but folks, that's life--You know? Even when things are going great one minute, they can turn to crap the next. And being a parent is HARD work. But I think, overall, Dean and Cas are doing are pretty good job so far.

The first month that Jake and Maddie lived with them was hectic. It was full of adjustment, arguments, stress, and eventually...understanding and compromise. But now, Castiel was attending a three-day out-of-state memorial so Dean was alone with the kids. Which would’ve been fine- Cas’s job kept him away overnight on a regular basis- except Maddie was in the midst of discovering how much fun it was to throw things for others to pick up. 

“Maddie, no,” Dean said, reaching down to pick up her spoon for the twentieth time. Since she enjoyed a more hands-on approach to lunchtime, the lovely pink utensil was mostly there for her to play with in between messy bites of banana, applesauce, and turkey.

“Are you done?” he asked her. She shook her head vigorously before slapping her hand down on the tray of her highchair. Looking down at the applesauce splattered on the front of his shirt, Dean sighed. 

The last two days had brought a _lot_ of change. It seemed like as soon as Cas left, the kids decided to put Dean through the wringer. Maddie refused to eat the puffed rice snacks that were supposed to be her favorite. Jake told him he hated school, hated him, hated his shoes, his hat, his jacket every morning before getting on the school bus. Neither of them wanted to go to sleep at a decent time and just yesterday, Maddie stood up for the first time by herself. Thankfully, she wasn’t walking yet, but Dean knew from his nieces and nephews that it wouldn’t be long now. 

“Okay, missy, I think maybe it’s time for a bath…” he said, abandoning the remainder of his BLT to pick her up and carry her into the bathroom. 

He turned the faucet on, put in the bath plug, then sat on the edge of the tub with her until the water was warm, but not hot. Because she had already taken off the cute little shorts with ducklings on them- which Cas absolutely _adored-_ all Dean had to do was ease her shirt over her head and remove her diaper before setting her down in the shallow water. 

“You want your ducky, princess?” 

Maddie nodded, splashing in the water. Dean picked up the large rubber duck sitting by his elbow and handed it to her along with the three smaller ducks that fit in its back. 

“Can you put the babies with mama?” he asked, hoping he could distract her long enough to clean the applesauce out of her hair. 

She stared at the large duck seriously, considering. Then, after a few breathless moments, flung one at the wall and the other at his face. 

“Ow!” He shouted, wincing when the pointy plastic toy smacked him in the nose. He rubbed it then got back to work, cleaning her off as quickly as he could. “Maddie… we don’t throw things…”

When he placed two of the baby ducks out of her reach, she whimpered and made grabby hands. 

“If you’re going to throw them,” Dean explained, rinsing her off with a plastic Captain America cup, “--then you can’t play with them.” 

Maddie babbled angrily when she didn’t get her way. She leaned forward to try to slap Dean’s cheek, but he moved out of the way. 

“Hey-- No hitting.” And to think Cas had been sure Jake would be their biggest challenge. Ha! 

After he had her wrapped up in a towel, Dean walked out to the living room and settled on the couch. He briefly pondered getting up to retrieve the rest of his sandwich but decided it wasn’t worth the risk. Maddie was finally quiet, having fallen asleep while he dried her off and lotioned her up. 

He only had a little over an hour before Jake got home from school so he decided to finish the movie they’d been watching after dinner last night. 

  
  


At three twenty-five, Dean and a now _very_ awake Maddie, headed outside to meet Jake at the bus stop. Dean wasn’t surprised to see Jake’s scowl when he stepped off the bus, he’d made no secret of his dislike of school. 

The agency had warned him and Cas about Jake’s aversion to school right off the bat. Since he was nine this year, Jake was in a fourth-grade classroom with about twenty-five other kids. He’d begged and pleaded with the couple to let him stay at his old school, but after sleepless nights spent trying and failing to find a way to make it work between their work schedules and possible commutes, Dean and Cas had, much to Jake’s chagrin, opted to transfer him to the elementary school about fifteen minutes away. 

They’d asked him if he wanted to ride the bus or be dropped off by one of them, but Jake said he would rather ride the bus. 

Dean had been down to the school twice already, Cas once, to speak with the principal regarding the young boy’s behavior. He refused to participate in classroom activities, he didn’t pay attention when he was supposed to, and he was constantly getting out of his chair to sharpen his pencil or get a tissue. 

Although they understood that Jake was adjusting to the new changes, Dean and Cas thought there may be something else too. But every time they tried to talk to him about school, he shut down and became unresponsive. 

When Jake walked over to Dean, his sister was amusing herself by squishing his cheeks together. 

He fell into step beside them, his hands wrapped around the straps of his fancy new backpack. It had a big silver star in it and rings of red and blue to look like Captain America’s shield. He’d picked it out himself. 

“Hey, kiddo, how was your day?” Dean asked, avoiding the S-word. 

“Fine.” 

“Did you do anything fun?” When they’d talked to Jake’s teacher shortly after enrolling him, she’d explained the plan for the year. This week, they were working on building towers out of popsicle sticks… which Dean thought sounded like a blast. 

Jake shrugged. “We played kickball.” 

“Yeah? That’s cool. How’d your shoes do?” Dean looked down at Jake’s black tennis shoes with the green stripe. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen anyone as excited as Jake when he saw those shoes. He’d looked like he wanted to bound forward and snatch them off the display, but he’d held back. 

“Good. My feet don’t hurt.” 

“That is good,” Dean said as they walked up the driveway. He’d learned that Jake tended to be subdued directly after school so he usually gave the boy some space after picking him up. “Why don’t you bring your lunchbox into the kitchen and we’ll get you a snack. Dinner won’t be ready for another hour and a half.” 

“Okay.” 

Dean was pleasantly surprised to find nothing left in Jake’s lunchbox. He’d been trying different combinations to get the boy to eat, but nothing had worked until today. “You want pizza again tomorrow?” he asked, rinsing out the containers that had held cottage cheese and diced peaches. 

“Can I?” Jake asked, sliding onto the stool at the counter. 

“Sure. I think we’ve still got all the ingredients for it. You want pepperoni again? Or something different?” 

Jake squinted at him. “Different like what?” 

Dean opened the fridge door to peer inside. Maddie reached for the large tub of vanilla yogurt Cas couldn’t live without. He glanced down at her. “You want a snack too?” She nodded. He grabbed it, set it on the counter. “Jake, you wanna get your sister some yogurt while I see what we’ve got for pizza?” 

“Okay,” Jake said, hopping off the stool to get a spoon from the drawer. 

As he walked over to the cabinet that held the bowls, Dean reminded him, “Use the footstool.” 

Blushing, Jake nodded and set it up so he could reach the cabinet handle. 

“Alright, buddy, looks like we’ve got ham, pineapple, mushrooms, olives, peppers, onions… You can have red sauce or white… Heck, we could even make you breakfast pizza,” Dean told him laughing. 

Jake scrunched his face. “ _Breakfast_ pizza? That sounds weird.” 

Dean closed the door then crossed behind Jake to grab a sippy cup and fill it with water. 

“No!” Maddie said. 

“Yes,” Dean said, screwing the lid back on. “You can have your snack but only if you drink some water with it.” 

“No!” 

“Hey, Maddie, what if I eat with you, huh? And I’ll have some water too,” Jake said. 

Dean smiled at Jake. Bouncing the baby on his hip, he said, “You want bubba to eat with you?” 

“Bub-ba!” Maddie made grabby hands at her brother so Dean passed her over to Jake. He carried her over to her high chair to get situated while they waited for Dean to finish getting their snacks ready. Maddie’s yogurt got a few mini chocolate chips sprinkled on top while Jake’s was mixed with whipped topping and served with apple slices. Dean dusted the top of the fruit dip with a little cinnamon as well. 

“Alright, here we go!” he said, placing the bowls down with a flourish. 

The three of them sat at the table while the kids ate. Jake peered curiously at Dean’s sketchpad so he placed it on the tabletop so the boy could watch. 

“What is that?” Jake asked, pointing at the picture slowly taking shape on the page. 

“It’s a fireplace. See this part here? That’s going to be built from Limestone.” 

“Limestone?” 

“It’s a type of rock. It’s really hearty, but kind of expensive to use.” 

Jake frowned. “So why do you use it then?” 

“Well, for one, it’s _stunning_. But mainly because of its heat tolerance. It can get really really hot and not get damaged which makes it perfect for a fireplace.” 

“Huh. Who’s gonna live there?” 

Dean was still contemplating whether or not to share his dream home with Jake when a mischievous giggle had both of them looking over at Maddie. 

“ _Madison!_ ” Dean said, sternly, getting up from his chair. Jake ducked his head, went back to munching on his snack. “I guess _somebody’s_ going to get _two_ baths today!” 

“Bub-Ba!” 

“No…” Dean said, picking Maddie up. He used a napkin to clean off the worst of the mess as he carried her down the hall into the bathroom. “Jake’s not the one with yogurt in his hair…” 

When they came back, Jake was busy working on his homework at the table. 

“You need any help?” Dean asked, peering over the boy’s shoulder to see what he was working on. 

“No.” 

Dean sighed as he walked into the laundry room with Maddie. This seemed to happen anytime he or Cas raised their voice. Even though it hadn’t been aimed at Jake, the boy became sullen and quiet. Dean hated the idea that they may be scaring him, but Maddie was becoming more curious every day and she needed to know what was okay and what wasn’t. 

Not to mention the fact that Dean had only been a dad for three weeks and he was human. He tried not to yell, but sometimes it seemed like the only way to get the baby’s attention. And fear was a powerful motivator. Whenever Maddie reached for something dangerous or moved out of his sight, Dean’s heart stopped and panic took over. Cas would chuckle and pick her up before she crawled somewhere she shouldn’t, but Dean’s mind got overrun by all the things that could’ve happened. 

“ _You_ are going to be quite a handful, huh?” Dean mused aloud, setting Maddie down on the floor so he could switch the clothes to the dryer. If he tried to do it with her in his arms, she would wiggle and complain. She immediately grabbed a couple of socks to play with. 

He kept an eye on her while he added the next load to the washer and transferred the dry clothes from the top of the machine into a laundry basket. 

“Ready for a ride, princess?” 

Maddie nodded, a grin on her face as she crawled over to the basket. He picked her up, deposited her on top of the clean clothes then carried it out to the living room. 

“How’re you doing in there, kiddo?” he called out as he dumped the clothes (and baby) onto the couch. Maddie loved this game. She would giggle, partially hidden under the pile of clothes until Dean ‘found’ her. “Where did Maddie go…Hm...is she under _here_ ? No… well, how about over _here_!” 

Her adorable giggle came from beneath the clothes pile when he tickled her foot. His fingers danced over the t-shirt covering her face. “Why, this one is moving!” He pulled it off to reveal her smiling face. “There she is!” 

“Hey, Dean?” 

“Yeah, buddy?” Dean replied, ducking his head to blow a raspberry on Maddie’s cheek. 

“Can you… um… help me?” Jake asked quietly. 

Dean sat up to look over the back of the couch. Jake was standing with his folder clutched in front of him, his eyes to the floor, looking way too nervous for a boy his age. “I can try,” Dean joked, smiling. “Why don’t you come over here and show me whatcha got.” 

Turned out, Social Studies was _not_ Dean’s forte, but they managed to complete Jake’s assignment before bedtime so Dean considered it a win. He’d just settled back down on the couch to finish folding the laundry when his phone rang. 

Picking it up, he couldn’t help but smile. “Hey, babe.” 

“Hey, how was your day? How are the kids?” 

Dean chuckled. “Things were a little hectic, but it’s quiet now. They’re asleep.” 

“Oh...I was hoping I’d get to say goodnight…” 

Rolling his eyes at his boyfriend’s pouty voice, Dean walked up the stairs to see if Jake was still awake. Maddie had been down for about two hours already, but Jake liked to sneak in at least one chapter after ‘lights out’. 

He knocked softly on the door. 

“Yeah?” 

Jake’s voice sounded sleepy and Dean felt bad for waking him. “Hey, kiddo, uh, Cas wanted to say goodnight…” 

“Is he still there?” Jake asked, immediately perking up at the mention of the firefighter’s name. 

“Yeah, you wanna talk to him?” 

Jake nodded, slid out of bed so he could accept the phone. “Hey, Cas--Guess what just happened in the last chapter!” 

Dean waited at the door while they chatted about books and the museum Cas had been to earlier that day. He tried not to be jealous, but it was hard when the kid seemed to prefer Castiel over him. 

It wasn’t like he thought Jake was afraid of him or didn’t like him, it was just that he got so lively whenever Cas was around, and with Dean, he acted more reserved, cautious. Dean could get Maddie to laugh at the drop of a hat, but Jake only ever smiled at his jokes. 

Cas told him he was overreacting, but Dean wasn’t sure he could understand. He craved the acceptance Cas already had. He wanted to _feel_ like Jake’s parent, but so far, he felt more like an interloper in the kid’s life. 

After Jake said goodnight to Cas, Dean retreated to their bedroom to get ready for bed. He’d mostly finished the laundry so the rest could wait until tomorrow. He made sure the door was shut before he shucked his jeans off and removed his tee-shirt but cracked it before he crawled into bed. 

He couldn’t fall asleep right away- too many thoughts were racing in his head- so he decided to work on the house a little more. The fireplace looked amazing but he needed to work on the hearth. Before they had the kids, he’d planned to leave the natural stone as is, but now, he worried that Maddie might injure herself on the rough edges...

Dean woke when his head dipped to his chest. Rubbing his eyes, he took a look at the clock on Cas’s nightstand. It was almost one-- he’d been sketching for almost three hours. Placing his pad and pencil on the nightstand, he used the bathroom then laid down and shut the light off. 

Jake rolled over in his bed, hoping the feeling in his stomach would go away. It had been hurting since they had dinner. Since he didn’t feel sick, he decided to just ignore it and go to bed early, but he couldn’t sleep. 

Curling up on his side, he bit his lip and rubbed his stomach with one hand. When he burped, it tasted like the casserole they had. 

If he got out of bed, Dean might hear him and come ask him what was wrong… Jake didn’t want that. Dean was nice and all, but he was nine-- he didn’t need anyone to take care of him. 

When the discomfort got worse, he quietly slid out of bed and crossed the floor to his door. Dean didn’t shut it all the way, like he asked, so it didn’t make any noise when he pulled it the rest of the way open. 

Jake stood at the threshold for a few minutes, trying to get up the courage to walk over to the bathroom. It was right across from his room so he could see inside it from where he was standing. 

Chewing on his lip, Jake took a deep breath and checked the dark hall then tiptoed across. He didn’t shut the bathroom door all the way, in case the noise woke Dean. Now that he was there, though, he couldn’t remember where they kept the medicine and he didn’t want to risk getting Dean’s attention by turning on the light. 

He knew there was a footstool underneath the sink, but he didn’t need it. If he stood on his tiptoes, he could just reach the handle of the cabinet above the sink. 

Jake squinted, trying to make out the shadowy shapes but nothing looked familiar. When he touched one of the bottles, it bumped into something else and knocked over a small dish filled with something that rattled. His heart jumped into his throat and he froze. No one came though, so he put his hand back in the cupboard, feeling the tops of the tall bottles until he found one that might be it. 

Pulling it out, he heard a sloshing sound. Was that what it normally sounded like? Jake couldn’t remember. After he set it down on the counter, he squeezed the lid and tried to twist it but nothing happened. Growing frustrated, he tried again, but the lid refused to come off. 

A tear slipped down his face--he wiped it away angrily. Nine-year-olds don’t cry. Feeling defeated, Jake sat down on the toilet lid. Maybe it didn’t count if no one saw him cry… 

“... _Jake?_ ” 

Jake jumped so hard when the bathroom light suddenly turned on that he hit his elbow on the toilet paper holder. 

Dean shuffled into the bathroom, squinting in the light. “You okay?” he asked, yawning. He did a double-take when he walked by the sink and saw the bottle of cough syrup sitting on the counter. Safety pins were scattered on the shelf in the medicine cabinet and the Ibuprofen bottle was lying on its side. 

Jake waited, watching the older man’s lethargic movements-- he’d obviously been sleeping and Jake woke him up. When Dean stopped to clean up the spilled safety pins and replace the red bottle he’d mistakenly pulled out, Jake felt fresh tears slip free. He quickly wiped them away so Dean wouldn’t see. 

Dean took a seat on the edge of the bathtub, allowed Jake a few minutes to compose himself before he asked, “Are you feeling bad?” 

Jake shrugged. 

Remembering the bottle of cough syrup, Dean said, “Is it your throat?” 

The kid blushed deeply and ducked his head before mumbling, _“I didn’t mean to grab that one…”_

“Oh. What were you looking for?” 

_“The pink one…”_

The pink...Dean racked his brain trying to figure out what the boy was talking about. After a few sleep-muddled moments, it clicked. He got up to retrieve the bottle of Pepto Bismol. “Is your stomach bothering you?” he asked as he measured out the correct dosage. 

_“...kind of.”_

Dean yawned again as he handed Jake the tiny cup filled with thick pink liquid. Jake’s eyes flicked up to his before they landed on the offered medicine. He grabbed the cup and drank it all down then walked over to the sink to rinse it out before hurrying back to his room. 

It took Dean a second to realize Jake was fleeing but he followed the boy into his room. Jake’s eyes grew wide when he saw he wasn’t alone. He looked so much like a scared animal that Dean had to take a moment to collect himself before he entered the room. 

“Jake…” he started, sitting down on the edge of the bed, closer to the foot then the headboard so Jake hopefully wouldn’t feel cornered. That was the _last_ thing he wanted to do. “Why didn’t you come to get me?” He knew why, but communication was key when establishing a relationship with a child. 

“You...were sleeping.” 

Dean nodded. “It’s okay if you need to wake me--or Cas, Jake. If you feel sick, you should come to get one of us, okay?” 

“...’ kay.” 

“We won’t get mad.” 

“Okay.” 

“I’d just rather you come to me instead of trying to do it yourself…” 

“Okay. I will,” Jake said before rolling over. He didn’t want Dean to see him cry. 

Dean sighed. The kid still thought he was in trouble even though Dean was doing his best to assure him it was okay. Anything else he said tonight was just going to go in one ear and out the other… 

“Try to get some sleep, okay? If you start to feel worse...well, I’m right down the hall…” After patting the boy’s shoulder and pretending he didn’t feel the tremor as he held back tears, Dean left to check on Maddie and go back to bed. 

As Dean got comfortable in the empty bed, he wondered if this was how Bobby and Ellen felt when he and Sam first moved in. Sam, much like Maddie, acclimated right away to his new surroundings, accepting the older couple as his new mom and dad. But Dean had a harder time. It took him a while to feel like he wasn’t intruding in someone else’s life. 

He and Bobby had an especially rough beginning. Dean didn’t like the idea of Sam looking to someone else for help instead of him. So when Sam started calling for Bobby when he had a nightmare instead of him, he got extremely jealous. He held it against Bobby, was snarky and rude when Bobby was nothing but nice to him. 

Ellen had tried to talk to him, but he didn’t want to hear what she had to say so they ended up mostly co-existing for the first month and a half. Sam didn’t understand why his big brother was unhappy, but he knew Dean was. 

When he started skipping classes at school, they tried grounding him, but it didn’t do much. Dean felt like he deserved the punishment so he accepted it instead of fighting it. 

It probably would have gone on that like if he hadn’t overheard Bobby and Ellen talking late one night when he was walking back from the bathroom. 

_“He hates us, El…”_

_“Oh, honey… he doesn’t hate us... He’s just trying to figure all of this out-- We all are.”_

_“Every time I try to talk to him, he just shuts down.”_

_“I know. Just give him some time, Bobby. He’s had a hard life. And I’m sure it’s been a long while since someone just tried to love him. He’ll open up, honey. We just have to give him some time…”_

What Dean had heard that night standing outside their bedroom door made him feel awful. These wonderful people had taken a chance, adopting him and his brother, and all he’d done was be mean to them. Because he was a kid, Dean hadn’t really understood what Ellen was saying, but the tone of their voices-- that hushed, shaky voice-- spoke volumes to him. It made him realize they weren’t so bad. 

It took him another week or two to warm up to them, but when he did… It was the best feeling in the world to have someone hug you after a bad day or make you soup when you were stuck home sick. 

And now, he knew how they’d felt, trying to get through to him. How every step forward with Jake was followed by three steps back. It disheartened Dean to know that Jake was so worried about being an annoyance that he tried to take care of himself when he felt sick. Not to mention the fact that he’d almost dosed himself with cough syrup. 

As Dean closed his eyes, he decided that in the morning he would go through everything in the bathroom and kitchen to make sure Jake would be able to access what he needed. If the kid thought he needed to take care of himself, that he was too old to ask for help-- Well, Dean would do his best to support him. And then, maybe one day, Jake would feel comfortable enough to come to him for a hug after a bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully, y'all enjoyed this chapter. I know parts may have been a bit rough on Dean and Jake, but I'm hoping the fluff evened things out? Also, I do plan on involving Cas a little more in the next chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, after getting to the end, I kind of want to continue this? So how about y'all let me know if you'd like to see more? 
> 
> Kudos would be much appreciated since this is so far out from what I normally write.  
> (Kind) Comments are welcome.


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